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- I speak so well By Barack Obama
- Please call me Doctor Celine Dion from now on By Celine Dion
- Mystery company called Microsoft is a BUY, BUY, BUY! By Jim Cramer
- Joe Biden's kill count is still at zero By Dick Cheney
- Why am I bailing on Barack’s speech? Let me spin my role-an-excuse wheel By Bill Clinton
- Relax Democrats, I promise not to fuck up too badly By Joe Biden
- Truth or Dare is my favorite drinking make-out game By John Mayer
- How I compose a song By Bjork
- 5 ways I can subvert Obama tonight By Hillary Clinton
- Hey Rapper, be more famous if you're going to drop beats about me By John McCain
- Paying $11 million to never hear from your father-in-law again is a great deal By Stephen Schwarzman
- Hot scoops that have nothing to do with my knee sack By Peyton Manning
- Biden's job is to make me look good By Barack Obama
- Nobody leaves Wesley Snipes off of a list By Wesley Snipes
- Trump University snubbed by the U.S. News for the last time By Donald Trump
- I'm gonna beat the world record for best book By Michael Phelps
- The future is here By Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
- Sadly I must decline this probable VP offer By Mr. T
- Batman is not an intelligent choice for a nemesis, Robert Downey Jr. By Christian Bale
- A dream with courage is innovation By Jessica Simpson
- I've got the best idea for a movie! By Judd Apatow
- Wanna know my VP? Check my Twitter By Barack Obama
- I am not a dusty cartoon horse By Amy Winehouse
- I'm lying about my age too By Bob Costas
- It's not my fault this pine cone isn't soundproof By John McCain
- Georgia is my bitch! By Vladimir Putin
- Sasquatch family wants our cousin's body back By Bigfoot
- Alicia Sacramone, been watchin' ya bend that body like macaroni By Justin Timberlake
- Whoever picked that lame Jackson Browne song is fired By John McCain
- Enough pecker coverage, NBC! By Peyton Manning
- I warned you, Bigfoot By Christopher Walken
- It's senior prank time! By George W. Bush
- Congratulations Ed McMahon, you may already be a winner! By Donald Trump
- People who make fun of 'tards are the real retards By Britney Spears
- Hey Spaniards, we just released a photo mocking you! By Hu Jintao
- Jennifer Aniston, you will always be the celebrity starlet that got away By John Mayer
- Please HELP me!!! By Chinese gymnast Deng Linlin
- Please, get away from the stage. Seriously. By Thom Yorke
- White chicks love Obama, why does that make me a bad guy? By John McCain
- You best be stopping this 'Sam Jack is gonna die' bullshit right now By Samuel L. Jackson
- 5 things I hate about my new team By Brett Favre
- Pineapple Express nearly cost me everything By David Hasselhoff
- A typical day in the life of John Mayer and Jennifer Aniston By John Mayer
- I'm completely out of sports cliches By Michael Phelps
- Oh cut me some slack, the cancer was in remission! By John Edwards
- Isaac and Bernie: RIP, Motherfuckers By Samuel L. Jackson
- Whoops! I accidentally started a war By Vladimir Putin
- Don't believe the media's lies, we aren't hosting any Olympics By Hu Jintao
- Screw the middleman, we're buying AIDS By Angelina Jolie
- Morgan and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week By Morgan Freeman
- Is it possible to be drunk and hungover at the same time? By David Hasselhoff
- Between the rich white guy and the attention whore, I don't know who I love more! By Donald Trump
- This is what I want for my next birthday By John Mayer
- Curse this cheap ass GPS! I am not hiding, I am lost! By Osama bin Laden
- Is this a world I want to raise my nuclear weapons in? By Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
- New swing demographic: bitchin' biker babes By John McCain
- Top six actors I refuse to act with By Samuel L. Jackson
- The only "power failure" worth talking about is the one in Rupert Murdoch's wanker By Barry Diller
- I'm not racist, I passed the home raci